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L E T T E R S.
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Date: May 05, 2000
From: "von Nieda Nod Hill"
Subject: mmmm elegant psuedonyms
My sister: Ashley East Contour
My friend: Ari 7th Avenue
My boss: Treat Willow
My friend's baby: Elliot Harkness
My father: Ernest Fuller
My mother: Burt Minister's Lot
Yours Pseudononymously,
von Nieda Nod Hill
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Date: May 04, 2000
From: "Rare Bacon"
Okay, here's something I sent
to Amazon just now, because they, like everything you see on the computer
practically, is SCARY!!!!! I hope it is fun to read at least.
-Rare Bacon
heck, you guys are getting so huge that pretty soon no one's going to
know what to do anymore! why don't you just take it easy and enjoy the
shade? i like to ride my bike down dirty alleys and smell the garbage.
it's more fun than trying to rent planes to fly over the whole country!
it's more fun to watch tv with your girlfriend and feel her sweater and
enjoy the softness of it and know it's raining outside. try it, you'll
see!
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Date: May 04, 2000
From: "Sarah M. Balcomb"
I'm been searching for the
perfect pseudonym for years now, so thank you Kristine Van Ness, thank
you whoever you are.
Regards,
Marlene West Eighty-Third
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Date: May 2, 2000
From: "Bryson Newhart"
Subject: I guess I'll be 'falling' for your trick after all
I am resolved not to fall for your
tricks anymore. Right now I am on the BQE traveling at a very high velocity
with gas-powered skateboards attached to each of my feet, my cellular
T1-access laptop, which is also gas-powered, strapped around my neck,
my recently acquired A/B switcheroo antenna jutting from my helmet to
transmit this letter live. And guess what? I don't see any 25-20. Or any
addresses at all. Just some junky cars, a couple hobos selling lemonade,
and a few other McSweeney's readers on similar homemade contraptions,
most of them having already given up on your rebate offer to drag race.
Like Sean Carman and his klieg light, only rather than racing, he is hanging
from the back of a bus on a pair of wheeled skis, weaving all over the
road in an effort to flirt with passing traffic. And also ... Fuck! A
bridge! Clearly this damn antenna is not going to fit. I guess I'll be
"falling" for your trick after all. But know, McSwillers, I am shaking
my fist at you. You bastards better visit the hospital.
-Bryce
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Date: April 30, 2000
From: "M.C."
Worst possible advice? How do you figure its the worst possible advice?
Goad? And I'm not part of a council. I mean what are you going to tell
these people, jumble up some bullshit hackneyed completely fucking meaningless
hoo-ha lingua about how you are org. not net.. and blah blah blah so heretofore
limitation of liability and blah blah blah. and what the fuck does your
little untrained mind think THAT will do for you if some smarmy litigator
comes in to the picture. You think that fucking exempts you? Bullshit.
Total fucking bullshit. Trauss reads over my shoulder for a few years
- YEARS ago and he's like WHAT - talking to you about confusion/misrepresentation/misappropriation?
That's a fucking piece of pie, I tell you. What a fucking piece of work
you two are. Bullshit. La la la bullshit la la la total fucking bullshit
la la la. I would reiterate that THEY wrote to YOU at YOUR site, unlike
a situation where you would commandeer their submissions and print them
as your own. I would reiterate that some time long ago, someone in this
ridiculous Byzantine adventure mentioned something close to a good working
understanding of fair use, comment and satire. I would say that whatever
kind of crapola you'd send these people - oh these POOR innocents with
so much to lose would somehow protect your sorry punk-ass or constitute
some kind of fucking waiver is ridiculous. But what would be the point.
This is my counsel: follow the merry path that Trauss has laid out for
you, or represent yourself pro se. I'm not on retainer and I don't donate
my time, remember? I am not an attorney - and you're no Black Panther..
M.C., non esq.
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Date: April 30, 2000
Subject: True fact
Isabella Rossellini, after
being dumped by Lancôme for looking too old has started her own line called
"Manifesto".
Heather H.
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Date: April 29, 2000
Subject: [none]
I always fall back on whatever floats your boat - it gets repetitious,
but it makes me think of a tide to lift all boats (or however that goes)
and that makes me think of economic prosperity, and then that makes me
think of Red Tide, and I'd like to start an industry magazine that will
inanely and obediently follow the crash of the San Francisco dream, and
so its a good name to go up against Red Herring. A new Speaker of the
California Assembly was sworn in yesterday. He's Jewish. He walked up
to the microphone, adjusted it, looked around the room and said, "Man-oh-Manischewitz".
I could imagine him in his split-level on the outskirts of Sacramento
practicing that little gem over and over in front of his mahogany colored
oval mirror. Man-oh-Manischewitz. My work-neighbor, Pepper, says "God
Bless America" every time she gets upset.
Back to the matter at hand, and the fact of the matter. what have I dealt
with longer? Underestimating the cult of Eggers? That can't be determinative,
because I underestimated the cult of Dave Matthews and then riots broke
out. I've been dealing with disappointment in the hordes rising up? Perhaps.
But I only think that is because I have believed, at some point in my
life (but not sure when or in what context) that someone (maybe a horde)
was going to rise up and you've always been too "critical" for that.
Morphing. Are you becoming more like me in any way? I hope so. I like
me. I'm fantastic.
Hey I don't want the mantle. I have a fireplace that doesn't house a fire.
It houses a television set. That's more than enough for me.
Adequately,
Elizabeth C. Random
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Date: April 26, 2000
Subject: Free stuff if Dave writes back!
Dear MC(Solaar):
I'm looking for Dave Eggers. If you are Dave Eggers and you're reading
this, YAY! Read on. If you're not him, could you please (with whipped
cream and cherries on top!) forward this to him? To express my thanks,
I will send you something for free. Let me know the type of thing you'd
like, your mailing address, and your name and I really promise I'll send
you something cool. That is, if this email ever gets read by Dave. If
you just delete this or don't pass it on, you're missing out, and you're
also just a mean person and will feel guilty for not helping me. Also,
please don't write back pretending to be Dave, I want the real McCoy.
Thanks.
So Dave, first of all I want you to know that I'm an amicable person.
I will now attempt to list some qualities that render me likeable and
identifiable-with-ish. (I'm hoping you'll think my copying your style
here is cute and not annoying and lame ass.) I usually return rented videos
2-5 days late, but never 25 days late. I sometimes get parking tickets
due to my laziness to descend my 37 stairs to put a quarter in the meter.
I sometimes wait a number of weeks before paying aforementioned tickets.
I am a nice, nice person. I tutor homeless children on a weekly basis.
(Really!) I like the beach. I like to make chocolate chip cookies from
scratch. I like to scratch an itch with fervor rather than let it bug
the crap out of me- not that I have many itches though. I like to loudly
say "Dumb ass!" to dumbass drivers. I had my gall bladder removed at the
ripe age of 21. I like to make and eat smores. I love almost all kinds
of music, I have over 3oo CDs I think. I like long dinners, over which
wine is consumed. I love my family and friends, for the most part. My
mom has had some kind of auto-immune disease, which she hides from my
sister and I, for at least ten years. I keep a clean apartment, except
for my room sometimes. I was a good, Catholic girl until the age of 23,
at which time I gave up my virginity(can you believe I waited that long?!),
but unlike you, I've used a condom every time I've had sex. What's worse
according to the Catholic Church, having premarital sex, or using a condom
when doing so? I love to read. Benetton's Colors is my favorite magazine
(colorsmagazine.com), and has been for years. I'm starting to read McSweeny's
though and have looked for Might, but to no avail!
I hope that was sufficient. Anyhow- I actually sent you (via Geoff Kloske@Simon&Schuster)
a card with an enclosed origami butterfly- did you get it? I was asking
for $5 but forgot to enclose a SASE so maybe that's why you didn't write
back. Or maybe you're swamped with other fan mail. At any rate, I wanted
to say that I love you. Really. You're awesome.
I'd like to come and hear your panel discussion about panel discussions
this weekend at UCLA and I think I will. I live in San Francisco and figure
LA's closer than NY so why the heck not make a road trip south. So, on
the offchance that you get this before April 29th, could you write me
back and let me know if I can take you out to coffee, a drink, dinner,
or whatever? I'd love to. As of now, I'm planning on arriving in LA Friday
night and leaving sometime Sunday morning, we can go out any time in that
bracket you're free- and any place you want. And if you get this email
AFTER April 29th, you can still write me. Worried that I'm a psycho fan?
I'm not, I swear. You can call any of my friends to verify that I'm a
nice, normal person. Some friends you can call are Anastasia, at 415.555.9339,
Catherine at 415.555.8911, Laura/George at 415.555.9897, or my parents
John and Paula at 415.555.9071, although none of these parties mentioned
know that you might call, or even who you are, but you can explain yourself.
Or you can call me, Kate, at 415.55.3862 (or 415.555.8010). Please don't
give these numbers to anyone who will call for a purpose other than verifying
aforementioned facts.
Do you like to travel? Traveling is one of my favorite things to do, and
I love languages. I can speak Italian, French, Spanish and a few phrases
in Mandarin, Arabic, Portugese and Hebrew. See how cool I am? And I won
an award, how's that for ultimate coolness? After I graduated from college,
I worked at Charles Schwab for a couple of years, and because of my volunteer
work w/a local chamber orchestra and the homeless kids, I won the Employee
Community Service Award of the year in '99. Yay, Kate, right? I just have
to throw that in because it's one of the coolest (and only) things I've
ever won.
Boy do I feel like I'm selling myself here. Anyway, I just wanted to demonstrate
that I'm a cool gal and want to get on your good side, whatever side that
may be. (I'm right-handed but left-footed - for soccer- is that weird?)
Oh, I also want to marry you, okay? Seriously! I'm willing to relocate
anywhere, I'm just a grad student right now and can teach almost anywhere
once I'm done with school. (I'm getting a Master's in Teaching English
as a 2nd language, yay!) I'd also love to do something (anything) for
the magazine, whichever one you want me to work on. So, future husband
Mr. Eggers, will you write me back and let me know whether or not dinner
(or whatever) is okay with you? And if you already have a girlfriend,
fiancee, or (gulp!) wife, then disregard the "future husband" stuff and
insert "future friend", sound good? Oh, and I also work late at night,
and if you're up late and want to call me then, you can honestly call
at any time. OH- and about the free stuff- what do you want? I'll try
to get you something nice. Really! Tell me something you want and I'll
try to get it, or something like it. Also, don't forget the free dinner/drinks/
whatever I'm offering you! Looking forward to hearing from you, future
husband.
Sincerely,
Kate Gambs,
your future wife/friend
Viva la travelchick! travelchick.com (That's my website, but it's REALLY
crappy right now.)
PS- There's more icing on the cake if you become my wife/friend. Good
icing....
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Date: April 26, 2000
Subject: For you.
To encourage you, a small,
but nonetheless inspiring, palindrome:
Grow, .org!
All right.
So long,
Meg
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Date: April 26, 2000
From: "Kristine Van Ness"
Some time ago we learned the
best method for determining one's true pseudonym: use your middle name
as your first, and the street on which you live as your last. It works
every time, and is strangely elegant.
best regards,
Kristine Van Ness
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